Winter blues and the hope of Spring.

I have really struggled with winter this year.

I'm not sure if it gets harder to deal with the older I get, or it's a build up of many things, but January seemed to go on forever!

The low light levels, dark at 5pm, grey skies and drizzle, interspersed with hard frost and wind.

My mental health definitely suffered this winter.

I've been unmotivated, anxious and distinctly lacking in oomph.

Insomnia is my nemesis.

Insomnia that seemed to ramp in those dark nights, while nocturnal Lily-the-cat was wandering around outside, oblivious/deliberately ignoring me calling her, whilst I also wandered around outside, dressed in pyjamas and a big hat and setting off various light sensors as I searched for her in the village!

2022 was a tricky year for selling, and the cost of living was - and still is - spiralling.

My ongoing battle with exemestane isn't helping either.

What is it with this single solitary pill that causes such awful side effects?

Each one on its own is probably not too bad, but all thrown in together is hard to deal with.

Five years on from my breast cancer diagnosis and I'm probably skipping more than I'm taking now.

 I've found the lack of support from the oncologist post treatment quite shocking really.

Impossible to get an appointment with and my lovely but unhelpful breast care nurse on the other end of the phone, just reiterating that I need to take it for a decade!

Sometimes, I wonder if tamoxifen was the lesser of three evils.

At the crux of it all is being immediately thrown into a chemical menopause with chemo and the exemestane just ramping up the side effects with a vengeance.

Perhaps male oncologists just don't appreciate the severity of menopause symptoms?

BUT, here we are, nearing the end of February.

The days are longer, the daffodils are nearly out and my windowsills have become plant nurseries.

The insomnia is still rampant, the low level anxiety ever present, but my mood has lifted.

Lily the wanderer is staying inside more at night, and the windows are firmly closed.

Sometimes, it's the small things that can make all the difference.

I had a long overdue lightbulb moment that maybe I wasn't motivated workwise in winter because my north facing workroom barely caught the sun.

Impossible to move my large desktop computer, and there's no way around moving my sewing station, but having a new, shiny, present to me laptop in the sunny, south facing front room has made a huge difference this month!

I had originally replaced my old laptop with a desktop to do precisely what I'm not doing now - keeping work behind one door - but, for now, this is working for me.

Musing on hormone therapy, nearly four years in.

October 2018.

I remember the apprehension I felt, after meeting with my oncologist and picking up my first packet of Tamoxifen, from the hospital pharmacy.

Just one little pill a day, it should have been the easy part of treatment, after two surgeries, chemo, radiotherapy and booster rads.

Fast forward nearly three years and nine months - yes, I'm definitely counting - into a ten month plan - and discarding Tamoxifen and Letrozole in favour of Exemestane, it's not been easy.

Everyone reacts differently to these drugs, but for me, I've been plagued with hot flushes with all of them.

Some days my whole body aches, and the weight gain associated with these drugs has all accumulated around my middle.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty.

As a positive, the initial hair thinning I had has finally slowed down during the last year, and it no longer looks as if I have a combover on my crown.

Many times over the past three years I have contemplated quitting, and self prescribed myself week long breaks at various times, when the side effects get too much.

Definitely not something I'd recommend, but for me, it was the difference between quitting completely or carrying on.

Fatigue has been cumulative with the exemestane.

I've learned that if I have a relatively busy day I'll be wiped out the next. 

I used to beat myself up about being lazy, but now I just accept that I need to take things at a slower pace.

Being thrown into a chemical menopause with chemotherapy, aromatose inhibitors  seem to exaggerate the menopause symptoms that may have appeared naturally.

There was no gradual buildup of side effects, no option available of using HRT to control the symptoms,  just wham, bam - hello menopause.

I do feel that oncologists are quick to gloss over the side effects of aromatose inhibitors.

And while I can't fault the care I was given during active treatment,  there is a definite lack of aftercare - and understanding - of the impact of aromatose inhibitors on everyday life.

In February of this year I took part in a podcast with the wonderful Victoria Derbyshire and three lovely ladies, discussing the side effects of hormone therapy.

I will admit, I recorded the podcast with my feet in a bucket of cold water and a fan on standby for an impending hot flush!

And Then Came Breast Cancer.

And Then Came Breast Cancer is a series of podcasts by Victoria Derbyshire,  each focusing on a particular angle of breast cancer and its aftermath.

I love the format of these podcasts.

They're great to have on in the background, and so relatable.