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Saturday, 18 July 2015

Pondering commitment phobia.

Commitment.
Ten little letters, one irrational fear.

Fear of commitment:  
The individual will feel anxious and uneasy about being 'tied' to a specific course of action.
Oh my, oh my, how I can relate to this!

Recently I have been pondering on my own commitment phobia, which stretches back well over two decades.
During this time I appear to have avoided all major milestones, and mastered the dubious skills of backing off, avoidance and pushing away.
 On more than one occasion I have been known to physically run.
This once involved ''losing'' a boyfriend in a Greek market and jumping on a ferry to Israel, although now I'm a responsible adult it's far less dramatic.
The writing was on the wall when I booked not just separate seats but separate planes for that particular trip.

Looking back with the benefit of hindsight, commitment phobia would explain my prolonged back packing youth and the appeal of relationships with an ocean in between.
But what I didn't realise until recently is that it has also affected my day to day life.
 
And is probably why my biggest purchases to date have been a very nice floor and air tickets.
Bus over car, renting over buying...no large purchases, no lengthy contracts...self employed, biscuit tin accounting.
And a distinct lack of forward planning.

With commitment issues stretching back as far as 1988, is it really possible to change? 








 

Friday, 19 June 2015

Tea Gate.

To me, a teabag is a teabag.
Inoffensive, everyday and an ever present member of the kitchen canister.
This week, I've learned differently.

To someone with depression you can do a hundred nice things, yet they will still focus on the one negative.
And that seemingly insignificant negative suddenly gains enormous importance.

This week, it was the turn of the humble teabag.

Said person was out of caffeine and twitchy.
Tesco was ordered and duly delivered.
Unfortunately, PGTips had been replaced with Typhoo.
And Typhoo was not allowed house room, let alone residence on the kitchen windowsill. 
When discovered, the offending teabags were eyed in the way a cat would eye an intruder on their patch.
Hackles up, eyes wary - I had to step in and remove the offensive article.

http://www.typhootea.co.uk/

http://www.pgtips.co.uk/

Now, this is someone who can't go an hour without a caffeine fix.
Tea, coffee - the stronger the better.
And I certainly don't recall said person being offered tea whilst out and quizzing the tea maker on the brand of their teabag.

Depression is a truly terrible illness.
Small things magnify, gaining huge significance.
Disruption to routine insurmountable, anxiety high.
And tough to watch.












Thursday, 28 May 2015

Of times gone by.

I was a child of the 70s.
A time when television meant three channels and a midnight curfew; an age preceding the digital generation of push button technology and Google.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3DcChXNyYQ

In this age, entertainment involved imagination, board games and making do.
Against a backdrop of  The Magic Roundabout, Sindy had a bed made from a cereal box, resplendent in purple nylon, Action Man mountaineered over egg boxes and many of my soft toys were handmade.



I learned to sew at an early age, and when Father Christmas brought me a wooden sewing box at age seven I was in fabric heaven!
Alas, a sewing machine of my own had to wait another ten years, when I took possession of the most beautiful Singer sewing machine from the 1940s.
I loved that machine, but by then I'd been seduced by the heady, alcohol fueled atmosphere of Art School in the 1980s, and my beautiful Singer spent the next six years languishing in dusty corners of various shared houses, while I was caught up in Kibbutz, various misjudged relationships and the airport.
I lost interest in sewing and lent my Singer to my grandma in the 90s.
She had regained her interest in sewing as mine had waned.
However, when I eventually rediscovered my sewing mojo in 2009, I also discovered my beautiful Singer had been mistakingly  sold.
SOLD!!!
I never quite got over that.
Or the fact that the (empty) wooden cover was unearthed in the dark recesses of my brother's bedroom just last year, destined for the skip...

But this particular ghost has now been laid to rest, as on Monday I took delivery of a vintage Frister and Rossman sewing machine, complete with a carved wooden  lid and inlaid wood base.
It dates back to the 1920s, and is truly special.
The history, the generations of women who have cared for this machine...the rusty needle tin, ancient toothbrush and elongated bobbin.
Sometimes, I catch myself just stroking the wood and smelling the beeswax.
























Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Password - not accepted. Please enter your memorable place...

Passwords.
The bane of my life.
Passwords, passwords, passwords - I dread any site that asks for a password as - despite reusing the same three or four over and over again, it's never the right one that I enter.

With a phone having the battery life of an egg timer I find myself constantly searching for wifi friendly shops to check emails on an alternative gadget.
Sometimes I feel like binning all gadgets.
I never used to feel the need to check emails while out, yet now I'm a walking encyclopedia of Wi-Fi friendly shops in Swansea.
How did that happen?
Today was M&S.

''Please enter password.''
Wrong one.
Three times.

''Please enter your memorable place.''
Good, I know this one...
REJECTED!
How can it possibly reject the right answer???

I try capitals, no capitals, pic n mix, country, city, expletives - back to the place I tried first time round - back to the spelling I'm sure I entered first off - BINGO!

All signed in, only to find the new emails I have are all SPAM.


I give up on WiFi.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

The not so humble skip. Right up there with an air ticket somewhere hot.

8pm, chicken pie in oven, rocket and balsamic plonked in an artistic heap and I'm feeling positively Delia-like.
It won't last.
Unlike my rosemary, which, despite being largely ignored, is spreading all over the garden at an alarming rate.
Like my ever expanding binbag collection, in the aftermath of a particularly brutal clearout.
And the lid of my oil tank, which appears to have taken up residence next door as a birdbath.

I'd still like a skip, and find myself staring enviously at said skips when I pass, even taking to photographing them.

Skip envy.

At the moment, I think of a skip as a particularly desirable item, right up there with an air ticket somewhere hot.
Somewhere like SdotYam, the kibbutz I have never quite got out of my system.
Although in the neighbouring city of OrAqiva, skips have taken on an entirely different meaning altogether, and are best avoided!

Home as a volunteer, 1990, 1991.
Josh, 1997.

 

With friends, 2010,  OrAqiva.


 











Friday, 30 January 2015

Skip envy.

January sunshine and a veritable rubbish mountain.
And with the three bag, two week rule I'm going to have to be creative with my ever expanding pyramid of ever bigger black bags.
I have serious skip envy.
Having lived in the same place for two decades, and minus an attic, my shed is crammed with layer upon layer of junk.
Funny really, as when I moved in I'd always assumed it would be short term.
WRONG!!!
Drastic action is needed, which will involve a skip, a move or hopefully both.
I am going to use a friend who shall remain nameless - Max in Manchester - for inspiration.
Max has the best idea, and understands the attraction of a skip.
Not only does she succumb to said skip on a yearly basis, she also moves frequently.

Me and Max, 2011.


And who knows what is lurking at the back of my shed?
Apart from the spiders, the floppy cobwebs and remnants of coal.







Tuesday, 20 January 2015

The quirky duck and regal swan.


January.
A long grey month, but when the sun does make a rare appearance, the winter light is beautiful.

 
This month I am stalking swans.
The light in their feathers, the don't-mess-with-me haughtiness and the effortless grace they possess make them incredibly photogenic.
Even when I'm leaning over them with a long lens camera.

 
 

My printer will soon be on overdrive.