I was anxiously clinging onto my hair and the unrealistic hope that I may defy the odds and not lose it.
I lost it, and had it shaved off on 4th June.
Today, I am reflecting on a year that tested me both physically and mentally.
Eight and a half months of gruelling treatment; baldness, nausea, mouth ulcers, joint pain, bone ache and crashing fatigue.
The fatigue and back pain continue today, joined by random hot flashes and a definite roundness around my middle that wasn't there before...thank you, Tamoxifen!
The fear of it returning is ever present, at the back of my mind.
BUT...I survived!
So often I read that a cancer diagnosis changes your life.
I wouldn't say it's radically changed mine, but what it has done is change my outlook on life and appreciate the important things.
Family, nature, the changing seasons...
Last year I wondered if I'd see the daffodils bloom again.
This year, I have immersed myself into the garden, my happy place, with my mini allotment, visiting hedgehogs and special cats.
It grounds me.
Emotionally, I'm back on an even keel, but no one emerges from chemo unscathed.
Both physically and mentally, you take a battering.
And it's the mental battering that takes longer to recover from.
Every niggle or pain becomes a ''what if''
Anxiety rears its head at unexpected moments, and a complete nights sleep is now just a distant memory.
But on the plus side, having my head shaved was liberating.
Despite it being one of my biggest fears I quite liked bald.
It grew on me, and I never wore a wig.
And you know what? I may just keep it short!
Going through chemo and coming out the other side...it makes you stronger.
Tougher.
A survivor.
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| June 2018 September 2018 |
